HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Sibling Revelry

When I first found out we were expecting boys, the one thing that made me a little sad was that Grace wasn't getting a sister. From sharing secrets to stealing each other's sweaters, my sister and I have always been thick as thieves (to go along with the sweater-snatching reference.) I was worried that a brother/sister relationship wouldn't foster the same closeness that Lindsay and I share. Thankfully, Grace and Jake have already proven me wrong!

I can't help but melt when Grace greets Jake with a heartfelt, "Hey bud-dee." She is quick to kiss his head and face, and is always dragging blankets from throughout the house so she can gently cover him. (When I ask about the blankets, she tells me he's cold.) She also tries to imitate our caring for him, assisting with feeding, burping and diaper delivery and disposal. She blesses him in her nighttime prayers, and always wants to be sure he's included in what we're doing.

And in his own little way, Jake seems similarly smitten--watching Grace's every move (when he's not staring into space or up at his toys.)

Earlier this week, while Jake was "working out" in his gym, Grace crawled right down with him. As she yapped and he cooed, my heart reveled in the sweetness of it all. I'm certainly not naive enough to think that the pinching and fighting won't happen in the future, but for now, I'm feeling the love.

Baby weight and Blessings

Lately, I've had baby weight on the brain--well, more like the butt and gut area, but you get the picture. After a summer of little movement and lots of eating, it's time to get down to business. So yesterday my sister and I started Weight Watchers together. For those of you unfamiliar with the process, foods are assigned a point value and participants are allowed a certain number of points per day. You can eat what you want until you've used all your points and then it's game over until the next morning. Not knowing how fast I'd burn through my points, I tried to use them conservatively at first, but by mid-afternoon yesterday, I felt like Zahara before she became a Jolie-Pitt--in short, I was starving! Since I've never been on an actual diet before--unless you count my Pepsi and donuts period in college, it's shedding a whole new light on food. Instead of seeing a brownie for its chocolaty goodness, I now see 3 points. Let's hope all this number crunching adds up when I try to fit into my size nevermind pants again.

On a more serious note, the other baby weight that I've been feeling has nothing to do with squeezing into my old clothes. It's a heaviness in my heart for Andrew. I feel guilty even typing the words with the two little blessings that we do have. But I can't help but feel a pang when I see a set of twins (which I think there's been a run on lately) or occasionally picture another little person next to sweet Jake, wondering what he'd look like, what Grace would have thought of two brothers, etc.

For months, I tried to keep my emotions in check. After all, with Grace and Jake to love, what did I have to be sad about? But I am sad, and may be for awhile.

One thing that's helped me come to grips with that came from a very unlikely source--Jenny McCarthy. Yes, the former Playboy bunny turned autism activist. She was singing boyfriend Jim Carey's praises to Oprah and said he'd taught her an important lesson as she struggled with her son's diagnosis. Simply stated, "You've got to feel it to heal it." The words really spoke to me--so much so that I'm finally letting the sadness wash over me when it bubbles up, rather than fighting to suppress it. Letting myself feel that pain is making it less of an "elephant in my soul" so to speak. And when I do cry, it doesn't make me any less grateful for the many blessings in my life. I'm learning it's OK to live with both.

As for the actual baby weight, that I could live without.