After many days of praying to get out of here, looks like my wish is coming true later today, just 2 days short of a complete 7-week stay. It's not the outcome I pictured earlier in the pregnancy, but in light of the very real possibility of what could have happened when I first arrived, docs consider Jake's arrival at 31 weeks (way longer than they thought I'd hold out) and continued progress, to be astonishing. In our words, MIRACULOUS. God has gotten us through some very tough times--the hardest summer of my life for sure. And we trust He will continue to bless our little family.
About Andrew...I didn't mention him on my Jake birth announcement because we wanted to focus on the positive. But our hearts are grieving for our other son, whom we will memorialize and bury tomorrow in a very small, family gathering. We will ALWAYS love him and know one day we will be reunited in a place without pain or loss. In the meantime, we will focus on getting Jake home and building our new lives together.
Before I sign off for now, I want to thank the family and friends who have sustained us through this incredibly emotional journey. We cherish the calls, visits, emails, cards, flowers, meals, prayers, and so on. We only hope we can provide similar support when any of you are in need.
And, although I am officially "off the nest", we promise to keep you up on Jake's progress and eventual homecoming.
Much love,
Laurie, Eric, Gracie and Jake
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Introducing Jacob Robert Jentes
Last night (July 27) at 11:51pm, we were blessed to finally meet our son, Jacob Robert Jentes. While it was still a little earlier than we had hoped, we know that God's timing is perfect, and this was when Jake was meant to make his debut. (There was no disputing the sudden, heavy, frequent contractions that started just after dinner and didn't let up. Rather than risk infection, etc. the docs decided it was go time.)
Jake is a big boy (as predicted) for his 31 weeks, weighing in at 4 lbs./8.3 ozs., and measuring 17 3/4 inches.
As expected, his lungs showed signs of immaturety in an x-ray, but he's now breathing on his own, which is a great thing! Later today, he'll be getting the teeniest bit of breast milk (via NG tube) to see how he does. While Jake still has a long road ahead, the main NICU doc predicts that he may only need to be in for 5 or 6 weeks. But only time will tell.
In the meantime, we plan to shower him with love and affection, like earlier today when I actually got to hold him! He's absolutely precious, and E and I are both in love! Can't wait to introduce him to his big sis, but that'll be awhile.
Please keep up the prayers for lack of complications, lung maturity, growth, etc. We promise to keep you posted, but for now, this tired mama needs a nap. :->
Sunday, July 27, 2008
31 Weeks and Counting!
Not much to report today, other than the fact that we made it to 31 weeks! After some bleeding, contracting, etc. yesterday, we thought the jig was up, but another day has passed and I am still pregnant. And so the waiting continues...
In the meantime, I'm working on my nursing degree. Well, not really...I still couldn't begin to handle most of the things they do--first and foremost, BLOOD. But, I do know how to take my own blood pressure and temp (although they do it themselves anyway), operate the ankle pump machine and air mattress, adjust the baby on the monitor I wear 24/7 and read the strip that it outputs. I've also made a game out of beating the nurses to getting Jake back on the monitor when our wiggly boy wanders off. E, being more mobile, rounds up linens, snacks and drinks. And as a former lab tech, he also has the ability to draw and analyze my blood, but they'd definitely frown upon that.
Anyway, happy weekend!
In the meantime, I'm working on my nursing degree. Well, not really...I still couldn't begin to handle most of the things they do--first and foremost, BLOOD. But, I do know how to take my own blood pressure and temp (although they do it themselves anyway), operate the ankle pump machine and air mattress, adjust the baby on the monitor I wear 24/7 and read the strip that it outputs. I've also made a game out of beating the nurses to getting Jake back on the monitor when our wiggly boy wanders off. E, being more mobile, rounds up linens, snacks and drinks. And as a former lab tech, he also has the ability to draw and analyze my blood, but they'd definitely frown upon that.
Anyway, happy weekend!
Monday, July 21, 2008
Big Boy!
Just back from Jake's latest growth scan. The good news is, he appears to be a big boy! At 30 weeks and 1 day, they estimate him to be 4 pounds and 1 ounce. That puts him above the 95th percentile for his age.
As for a birth plan, the jury's still out. One of my regular OBs said that if I could make it to 37 weeks (which is considered full term), he'd love to push it that far and, ideally, have us walk out of the hospital with Jake in toe. However, the high-risk doc that I met with this a.m. said he'd prefer to take Jake at 34 weeks, rather than push our luck with infection, etc., since that's protocol for prematurely ruptured membrane (even though it wasn't Jake's sac). Regardless, they plan to keep me here for the duration for continued monitoring. And all bets are off if I go into labor before either of those milestones
So, that's all the news that's fit to print for now...Grow Jake grow!
As for a birth plan, the jury's still out. One of my regular OBs said that if I could make it to 37 weeks (which is considered full term), he'd love to push it that far and, ideally, have us walk out of the hospital with Jake in toe. However, the high-risk doc that I met with this a.m. said he'd prefer to take Jake at 34 weeks, rather than push our luck with infection, etc., since that's protocol for prematurely ruptured membrane (even though it wasn't Jake's sac). Regardless, they plan to keep me here for the duration for continued monitoring. And all bets are off if I go into labor before either of those milestones
So, that's all the news that's fit to print for now...Grow Jake grow!
Sunday, July 20, 2008
30 Weeks and Counting!
Believe it or not, today marks 30 weeks for Mr. Jake! YEE HAW! He continues to seem happy and healthy on the inside so we're happy too!
While it's getting harder and harder not to go loopy in this bed, a visit from Miss Grace always gives me renewed strength and energy. (Not to mention a huge smile at her entrance since she's been arriving with a baseball cap, sparkle purse, cat-eye sunglasses and beaming grin.) While she's not always willing to join me in bed, E got some shots on the webcam (see above) during one of her braver visits. The middle shot especially cracks me up. After watching me use the inspirometer, she wanted to give it a try.
As for me, additional blood tests revealed the cause of my anemia is actually a gene mutation called beta thallasemia. It doesn't mean much more than the fact that I could bathe in iron and it wouldn't raise my hemoglobin level. So, I can finally cut back on all the tablets and hopefully not have to eat so many prunes. :-> And, after failing my 1-hour glocose test, I passed the 3-hour version, which means I do not have gestational diabetes and can continue to consume whatever sweets are sent my way. :-> Between these tests and my continued daily draws, I am convinced that they now have enough of my blood to clone me. (Makes me wonder what's really going on in the lab.)
On a more serious note, during my alone time, I find myself thinking about Andrew a lot. But along with the tears, I still have hope in the fact that we WILL meet him someday, and that everything that happened (painful as it may be) is part of a greater plan. Lately, I have found comfort in a song that says we can continue to praise God and trust in Him, whether things are hunky dorey or total crap (a little paraphrasing on my part). I'll close with a link:
Monday, July 14, 2008
Sweet Freedom
After more than a month on hospital bedrest (we're now at 29 weeks and 1 day, WOOHOO!) I was certain I had finally boarded the train to Crazytown. Despite a mountain of reading material, 40-some channels, Internet access, etc., my air-filled mattress prison was starting to swallow me whole. But just as I could feel my sanity levee starting to leak, a taste of freedom was just what the doctor ordered--literally and figuratively.
Starting in the "wee" hours of Sunday morning, I was able to banish the bedpan, graduating to a bedside commode (as the docs and my Nana call it). My initial attempt out of bed was comical at best--think Bambi on ice skates. But so worth it! And that wasn't all! Later that morning, I was given the joyous news that I was once again allowed to take brief seated showers with a nurse nearby. If clean equals happy, I was ecstatic! But wait, there's more...after dinner, Eric came by with Gracie girl and my mother-in-law. And for the first time in over a month, he was allowed to wheel me outside for some fresh air and sunshine. Sweet freedom! Gracie wouldn't sit with me, but she did crack me up as she helped E push the wheelchair with her hands AND head, using all of her almost- 2-year-old might. So that was my banner Sunday!
Today wasn't as exciting, but very busy. In addition to several visitors, I had my usual ATU appointment. Jake looked great, but refused to do his practice breathing for a sustained length of time, so we'll check again tomorrow. The doc wasn't concerned, though, since his strips from my 24/7 monitoring continue to be reactive (that's a good thing). The doc ordered a chest x-ray for my lungs to rule out fluid with my wheezing, but the initial results look fluid-free (also a good thing). Now, they're just trying to figure out what's up with my pesky anemia.
So that's what's doin' around here. Please keep up the prayers (they're working)! And enjoy YOUR sweet freedom! :->
Starting in the "wee" hours of Sunday morning, I was able to banish the bedpan, graduating to a bedside commode (as the docs and my Nana call it). My initial attempt out of bed was comical at best--think Bambi on ice skates. But so worth it! And that wasn't all! Later that morning, I was given the joyous news that I was once again allowed to take brief seated showers with a nurse nearby. If clean equals happy, I was ecstatic! But wait, there's more...after dinner, Eric came by with Gracie girl and my mother-in-law. And for the first time in over a month, he was allowed to wheel me outside for some fresh air and sunshine. Sweet freedom! Gracie wouldn't sit with me, but she did crack me up as she helped E push the wheelchair with her hands AND head, using all of her almost- 2-year-old might. So that was my banner Sunday!
Today wasn't as exciting, but very busy. In addition to several visitors, I had my usual ATU appointment. Jake looked great, but refused to do his practice breathing for a sustained length of time, so we'll check again tomorrow. The doc wasn't concerned, though, since his strips from my 24/7 monitoring continue to be reactive (that's a good thing). The doc ordered a chest x-ray for my lungs to rule out fluid with my wheezing, but the initial results look fluid-free (also a good thing). Now, they're just trying to figure out what's up with my pesky anemia.
So that's what's doin' around here. Please keep up the prayers (they're working)! And enjoy YOUR sweet freedom! :->
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Nurses, etc.
As a normally busy, independent person who likes to do things myself, it's been a humbling and frustrating experience to rely on other people so much. Whether I drop the remote or need a bath, I need help. And much of the time, that help comes from nurses.
The day I arrived--1 month ago today!--I quickly learned that their jobs are much less glamorous than we're led to believe. Without a McDreamy in sight, they work long hours and do some very dirty jobs. However, as with any profession, not all nurses are the same.
Here in labor and delivery, I've been told there are about 33 nurses that work the day shift and about 33 others at night. So there are lots of new faces, all with slightly different methods of doing things. Within the first five minutes of meeting my nurse for the next 12 hours, I can usually tell if we click or not. For the most part, I have had a wonderful batch of women who seem to love what they do and can't do enough for people like me. Those that I've especially appreciated all seem to share the golden rule philosophy--treating others as they'd like to be treated. That's when I score the extras--like hair washes, good conversation, and general TLC. To these women, I will always be grateful!
But there are also a handful of old-school, Florence Nightingales who do what they have to with little bedside manner and no frills. This is when I am most humbled because, while I could avoid them at a dinner party, I can't avoid them here, and must rely on them for my most personal needs. Today I have one of the latter types.
Thankfully, I'm getting some VIP visitors to brighten things up. First Ben came, all blond and brown-skinned, just back from the shore. After he watched the helicopter take off outside my window, he really seemed to perk up in what could be perceived as a scary place. And soon, MY little beach babe will be here! I'm told she had a wonderful week in Ocean City with my 'rents, Lin and Chris, Ben, etc. They said at the mere mention of the beach, she would gather her things and wait by the door. She and Ben played hard together, ate well, took long naps, went on rides--including Grace's first pony ride, and generally had a blast!
On the Jake front, he's looking good! I've developed a bit of wheezing in my lungs, which they are treating with a nebulizer a few times a day...similar to Grace's , but without the fish face mask. Other than that, no news is good news.
Time to buzz Nurse Nightingale...
The day I arrived--1 month ago today!--I quickly learned that their jobs are much less glamorous than we're led to believe. Without a McDreamy in sight, they work long hours and do some very dirty jobs. However, as with any profession, not all nurses are the same.
Here in labor and delivery, I've been told there are about 33 nurses that work the day shift and about 33 others at night. So there are lots of new faces, all with slightly different methods of doing things. Within the first five minutes of meeting my nurse for the next 12 hours, I can usually tell if we click or not. For the most part, I have had a wonderful batch of women who seem to love what they do and can't do enough for people like me. Those that I've especially appreciated all seem to share the golden rule philosophy--treating others as they'd like to be treated. That's when I score the extras--like hair washes, good conversation, and general TLC. To these women, I will always be grateful!
But there are also a handful of old-school, Florence Nightingales who do what they have to with little bedside manner and no frills. This is when I am most humbled because, while I could avoid them at a dinner party, I can't avoid them here, and must rely on them for my most personal needs. Today I have one of the latter types.
Thankfully, I'm getting some VIP visitors to brighten things up. First Ben came, all blond and brown-skinned, just back from the shore. After he watched the helicopter take off outside my window, he really seemed to perk up in what could be perceived as a scary place. And soon, MY little beach babe will be here! I'm told she had a wonderful week in Ocean City with my 'rents, Lin and Chris, Ben, etc. They said at the mere mention of the beach, she would gather her things and wait by the door. She and Ben played hard together, ate well, took long naps, went on rides--including Grace's first pony ride, and generally had a blast!
On the Jake front, he's looking good! I've developed a bit of wheezing in my lungs, which they are treating with a nebulizer a few times a day...similar to Grace's , but without the fish face mask. Other than that, no news is good news.
Time to buzz Nurse Nightingale...
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Close Call
Oh what a night! Eric and I were almost certain Jake was coming last night after my heaviest bout of frequent, painful contractions yet. They rolled in repeatedly, making us more anxious with every angst-filled squeeze. Our wonderful nurse, Sandy, started IV fluids and did everything from hold my hand to rub my back to help calm me down.
After very little sleep, we finally made it to morning, and thankfully, things seem to be settling down--for now. Once again, our trip to the ATU (antenatal testing unit) revealed a happy, healthy Jake. And new talk of the possibility of drugs to stop labor should we find ourselves in an even more serious position. Originally I was not a candidate when the fear of infection from the water break and Andrew was an immediate concern. However, provided my white count is good and I don't have a fever, it may be something else to add to our arsenal should we need it.
The high-risk doc also reiterated that 28 weeks and 4 days isn't a bad place to be, but he'd be much happier with 32 (or any additional days), as would we.
As usual, our prayer requests include: no infection, no more (or fewer, less painful) contractions, more time for Jake inside, his continued growth and good health, a good night's sleep for E and I (nightly contractions, although not typically as bad as last night, seem to be a nasty pattern), and renewed strength and courage.
Thanks for checking in!
After very little sleep, we finally made it to morning, and thankfully, things seem to be settling down--for now. Once again, our trip to the ATU (antenatal testing unit) revealed a happy, healthy Jake. And new talk of the possibility of drugs to stop labor should we find ourselves in an even more serious position. Originally I was not a candidate when the fear of infection from the water break and Andrew was an immediate concern. However, provided my white count is good and I don't have a fever, it may be something else to add to our arsenal should we need it.
The high-risk doc also reiterated that 28 weeks and 4 days isn't a bad place to be, but he'd be much happier with 32 (or any additional days), as would we.
As usual, our prayer requests include: no infection, no more (or fewer, less painful) contractions, more time for Jake inside, his continued growth and good health, a good night's sleep for E and I (nightly contractions, although not typically as bad as last night, seem to be a nasty pattern), and renewed strength and courage.
Thanks for checking in!
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Groundhog Day
As no news continues to be good news :->, I feel like I'm living in a perpetual state of Groundhog Day. (For those of you who haven't seen the movie--it's the ultimate deja vu story with Bill Murray reliving the same day over and over again.)
And for those of you who've asked what I do all day, here's the basic rundown:
Wake up
Bedpan and Vitals (Blood pressure and temp)
Blood draw (nothing says good morning like, "This will just hurt a bit." Also, I will never look at Easter candy, specifically malted milk balls, the same way again since that's what the rubber tourniquet they use smells like...I used to think it was the lab tech's perfume until I realized they all smelled the same.)
Order Breakfast, wait for breakfast, eat breakfast, swallow med and vitamin cocktail
Bedpan
Prep for trip to antenatal unit downstairs for ultrasound, doc consult and LOTS of waiting in between. In the hallway. On a gurney. This reminds me, someday in the future when I graduate to hospital visitor, I will not stare at people on gurneys, or peek into open rooms. Patients do not like to be viewed as circus animals (although some of the smells may be deceptively similar).
Return to room for bedpan, vitals and the highly-anticipated teeth-brushing and sponge bath...although there's actually no sponge involved...more like heavy-duty paper towels that they creatively refer to as "washcloths." On very special occasions (OK, it's only happened twice so far, both in the past few days), the nurse will edge me to the end of the bed, tuck a trash bag under my shoulders and neck, and give me a hair wash with REAL shampoo. Now that's living! Several times before, I've been given a new-fangled shower cap with built-in soap and water. Simply microwave cap for 15 seconds, put on, massage with fingers for 2 minutes and, voila--damp hair that is oddly neither clean or dirty.
Order lunch, wait for lunch, eat lunch
Bedpan and vitals
Read, blog, surf the net, talk on the phone (which contrary to what teenage Laurie would have believed, can get tiring), do crosswords, watch TV, nap, spend time with visitors, count ceiling tiles, stare out the window--with my bird's-eye view of the medic helicopter taking off and landing, daydream about anything my wild imagination can conjure up, etc.
Bedpan
Order dinner, wait for dinner, eat dinner
Sometimes more visitors, including my sweet Grace and Eric--although E has spent many days and nights here on a too-small cot so he too has shared in the monotony. Not exactly hot dates, but we've had fun. And the nurses enjoy his creative decorations, including my beach display, 4th of July tribute, customized check-off calendar, etc. Clever boy!
Bedpan and vitals
More reading, TV, etc. (see above)
Sleep, with several interruptions for bedpan, vitals, etc.
Repeat previous day's activities, with very minor changes, like what I order to eat.
Also, you may have noticed a pattern with the bedpan. It's a catch 22...they tell me to drink, drink, drink, but with my ever-shrinking bladder, it's gotta go somewhere. And, yes, I've made some humorous observations regarding the whole bedpan experience, but best not shared in mixed company.
That said, it's not exactly riveting around here, but boring is good when it means more time for Jake to cook. So here's to Groundhog Day--and hopefully many more to come!
And for those of you who've asked what I do all day, here's the basic rundown:
Wake up
Bedpan and Vitals (Blood pressure and temp)
Blood draw (nothing says good morning like, "This will just hurt a bit." Also, I will never look at Easter candy, specifically malted milk balls, the same way again since that's what the rubber tourniquet they use smells like...I used to think it was the lab tech's perfume until I realized they all smelled the same.)
Order Breakfast, wait for breakfast, eat breakfast, swallow med and vitamin cocktail
Bedpan
Prep for trip to antenatal unit downstairs for ultrasound, doc consult and LOTS of waiting in between. In the hallway. On a gurney. This reminds me, someday in the future when I graduate to hospital visitor, I will not stare at people on gurneys, or peek into open rooms. Patients do not like to be viewed as circus animals (although some of the smells may be deceptively similar).
Return to room for bedpan, vitals and the highly-anticipated teeth-brushing and sponge bath...although there's actually no sponge involved...more like heavy-duty paper towels that they creatively refer to as "washcloths." On very special occasions (OK, it's only happened twice so far, both in the past few days), the nurse will edge me to the end of the bed, tuck a trash bag under my shoulders and neck, and give me a hair wash with REAL shampoo. Now that's living! Several times before, I've been given a new-fangled shower cap with built-in soap and water. Simply microwave cap for 15 seconds, put on, massage with fingers for 2 minutes and, voila--damp hair that is oddly neither clean or dirty.
Order lunch, wait for lunch, eat lunch
Bedpan and vitals
Read, blog, surf the net, talk on the phone (which contrary to what teenage Laurie would have believed, can get tiring), do crosswords, watch TV, nap, spend time with visitors, count ceiling tiles, stare out the window--with my bird's-eye view of the medic helicopter taking off and landing, daydream about anything my wild imagination can conjure up, etc.
Bedpan
Order dinner, wait for dinner, eat dinner
Sometimes more visitors, including my sweet Grace and Eric--although E has spent many days and nights here on a too-small cot so he too has shared in the monotony. Not exactly hot dates, but we've had fun. And the nurses enjoy his creative decorations, including my beach display, 4th of July tribute, customized check-off calendar, etc. Clever boy!
Bedpan and vitals
More reading, TV, etc. (see above)
Sleep, with several interruptions for bedpan, vitals, etc.
Repeat previous day's activities, with very minor changes, like what I order to eat.
Also, you may have noticed a pattern with the bedpan. It's a catch 22...they tell me to drink, drink, drink, but with my ever-shrinking bladder, it's gotta go somewhere. And, yes, I've made some humorous observations regarding the whole bedpan experience, but best not shared in mixed company.
That said, it's not exactly riveting around here, but boring is good when it means more time for Jake to cook. So here's to Groundhog Day--and hopefully many more to come!
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Good News and Uncertainty
I've been trying to keep this blog a little more philosophical than nitty gritty, but for those of you who want details, here are a few. First the good news...
As of today, we've reached our first milestone--28 weeks--hallelujah! This is by no means a sure-fire safety spot, but the odds just swung dramatically in Jake's favor. A good place to be, but now we've greedily set our sights on 30 weeks.
In other good news...after 3 weeks in the same bed, I felt like my achy bones were lying on a slab of granite. And in certain spots, I lost feeling altogether. Enter my brand new fancy-pants air mattress. It was a bit tricky to get since it's normally reserved for bedridden seniors, but some determined nurses made it happen. Now I'm happily suspended in cushiony comfort.
As for Jake, he continues to make perfect to near-perfect marks on his daily biophysical profiles (ultrasounds.) Lots of movement, plenty of fluid, and he practices his breathing for at least 30 seconds at a time. That's our boy!
OK, now the nerve-racking stuff. I've had contractions since I've been here, which are acceptable in small amounts. The past few days I've had occasional periods of more intense action, but thankfully, they've passed. It's very scary in the midst of them; however, since we never know when it's the real deal.
Also, yesterday I started leaking what appears to be old blood. It is likely from Drew's sac and could continue without incident. However, it could also signal the start of something bigger. The docs are being extra cautious, obtaining frequent vitals, temps, and drawing more blood than usual for additional tests. (Amy Winehouse has nothing on my multitude of needle sticks.)
Emotionally, I continue to fluctuate from strong, feisty lioness to weepy, fearful girl. During one of my contraction spells a few days ago, I was very upset, feeling totally helpless and thinking our time may have run out. The compassionate nurse on duty asked if I was a pray-er. When I told her I was, she said to remember that, "When we give things to God, we can't take them back." In other words, if I truly leave things to Him, there's no use continuing to struggle with the scary stuff on my own. Easier said than done, but good advice that I'm trying to put into practice.
So, that's all for now. Please keep praying for more time for Jake on the INSIDE, no infection in either of us, wisdom for my docs, peace of mind when things get rocky, and, ultimately a strong, healthy baby boy that we can nurture and love for the rest of our lives along with his big sis.
As of today, we've reached our first milestone--28 weeks--hallelujah! This is by no means a sure-fire safety spot, but the odds just swung dramatically in Jake's favor. A good place to be, but now we've greedily set our sights on 30 weeks.
In other good news...after 3 weeks in the same bed, I felt like my achy bones were lying on a slab of granite. And in certain spots, I lost feeling altogether. Enter my brand new fancy-pants air mattress. It was a bit tricky to get since it's normally reserved for bedridden seniors, but some determined nurses made it happen. Now I'm happily suspended in cushiony comfort.
As for Jake, he continues to make perfect to near-perfect marks on his daily biophysical profiles (ultrasounds.) Lots of movement, plenty of fluid, and he practices his breathing for at least 30 seconds at a time. That's our boy!
OK, now the nerve-racking stuff. I've had contractions since I've been here, which are acceptable in small amounts. The past few days I've had occasional periods of more intense action, but thankfully, they've passed. It's very scary in the midst of them; however, since we never know when it's the real deal.
Also, yesterday I started leaking what appears to be old blood. It is likely from Drew's sac and could continue without incident. However, it could also signal the start of something bigger. The docs are being extra cautious, obtaining frequent vitals, temps, and drawing more blood than usual for additional tests. (Amy Winehouse has nothing on my multitude of needle sticks.)
Emotionally, I continue to fluctuate from strong, feisty lioness to weepy, fearful girl. During one of my contraction spells a few days ago, I was very upset, feeling totally helpless and thinking our time may have run out. The compassionate nurse on duty asked if I was a pray-er. When I told her I was, she said to remember that, "When we give things to God, we can't take them back." In other words, if I truly leave things to Him, there's no use continuing to struggle with the scary stuff on my own. Easier said than done, but good advice that I'm trying to put into practice.
So, that's all for now. Please keep praying for more time for Jake on the INSIDE, no infection in either of us, wisdom for my docs, peace of mind when things get rocky, and, ultimately a strong, healthy baby boy that we can nurture and love for the rest of our lives along with his big sis.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
A New Day
As with any trial, there are good days and bad. Yesterday was the latter. We started thinking about how we will memorialize Drew after the boys are born, which put me on an emotional downward spiral. And after my visitors left, I felt like I'd truly hit rock bottom. Not only was I sad and lonely, but worried that the hope that had sustained me thus far was slipping away. My Polyanna gladness was feeling forced and hypocritical, and I probably would have punched Haley Mills had she been spewing sunshine anywhere near me. It was a dark day, punctuated by the guilt of not feeling gratitude for everything I do have, including dear family and friends, a wonderful husband, light-of -my-life-daughter, and little Jake, still kicking and rolling around inside to make his presence known.
Thankfully, this morning came with new light and perspective. I received an email with just the words I needed to hear. It said, "Hope isn't about never feeling the effects of life, hope is about knowing that eventually the immediate roller coaster will come to and end and we'll get off better than when we entered." (Thanks Gina.)
And so, the ride continues...upside-down-loops and all. And it's OK to be real about how truly crappy it can be at times, because it in the end, it'll be worth the trip.
Thankfully, this morning came with new light and perspective. I received an email with just the words I needed to hear. It said, "Hope isn't about never feeling the effects of life, hope is about knowing that eventually the immediate roller coaster will come to and end and we'll get off better than when we entered." (Thanks Gina.)
And so, the ride continues...upside-down-loops and all. And it's OK to be real about how truly crappy it can be at times, because it in the end, it'll be worth the trip.
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