A New Normal

I never thought I'd long for the "good old days" lying in my tiny antepartum room, less than a week ago. Sure it wasn't the Ritz Carlton--or more importantly, home--but I had my little routine and was encouraged by the hope of healthy boys, and a future that made present sacrifices seem insignificant.

Obviously things have changed after we were suddenly, and unwillingly, put on a new path. Total bedrest aside, including bedpans and dirty hair, this new normal comes with the ache of a broken heart and the stinging blow of defeat. Not to mention Eric's shattered dream of carrying his boys in both arms, or me envisioning my three ones trailing behind me, like ducklings in a row, or two strong sons flanking either side when I'm a feeble old lady. Daily ultrasounds drive the ugly reality home when we see Drew, now quiet and still.

But, thankfully, there is something even more powerful, when we allow ourselves to see and feel beyond the pain. And that is HOPE.

In that vein, the ultrasounds also reveal busy, determined Jake wiggling away, heart thump thump thumping along. And then there's our first little miracle, amazing Grace. During yesterday's reunion, after her second week with my sister, she lit up our sad room with her unique brand of sweetness and spunk--the best medicine in the world!

And so, life goes on.

Maybe not the life we'd envisioned just days ago, but the life we were meant to live, which WILL be happy again. It won't be an easy road, but it's the one we're on now. Sure, it's tempting to want to curl up in an effort to protect ourselves from the possibility of future blows, but that's no way to live. So, once again we'll walk hopefully into the future, one baby step at a time.